Despite what some people might tell you, I’ve learned a few things over the years. Like never move out of a lane of traffic that’s been stopped for any length of time. Things will start to move the moment you commit to the lane change. Or, be careful whose toes you step on. They might be connected to the backside you have to kiss tomorrow.

But for all that gets passed along as inalienable truth, some things just don’t live up to the billing. To wit, here’s my top-five list of the most misunderstood phrases in trucking:

1. It’s only a few inches on the map. If someone gives you this line, take the other route, any other route. Any distance that’s separated by “only a few inches” in the mind of the person giving you directions is bound to be virtually impassable, due to a steep grade, a railroad trestle, or a bridge with a height restriction. New drivers would be well advised to take heed of that last item, lest you suffer the humility of dragging home a trailer that looks like an open sardine can.

2. Call me back in five minutes. “Call me back in five minutes” means there’s no freight anywhere near you. Not even a load of scrap tires. You’ll soon be deadheading halfway across the state. “Call me back in five minutes” really means, “Head north and call me tomorrow morning.” When someone would feed me this line I’d call back every five minutes, if for no other reason than to be annoying.

3. Practical miles. If the route is so practical, how come no one ever takes it (see “It’s only a few inches on the map”)? When a fleet bids on a move, they consult the same directory its competitors do. It’ll always be 1,874 miles between Calgary and Dallas. Don’t tell me you bid 1,774 miles because you found a shorter route and expect me to follow it. Nothing short of continental drift will bring the two cities closer together — except maybe urban sprawl. I think Oklahoma is about to become a suburb of Dallas. Is one route really more practical than another? The real answer depends on who’s writing the cheque.

4. 45,000 pounds. This is right up there with, “I’ll pay you back on Friday.” I remember loading a pile of scrap batteries out of some place in Indiana. The bill said 45,000 pounds, and when I scaled it, the difference was 45,000 pounds. I scaled it again when I delivered the load and the difference was 58,000 pounds.

Now, I didn’t put any more batteries on the trailer, but when I scaled out of the plant where I loaded it seems the steering axle scale cell wasn’t working. Never had a care in the world on the way home, never dodged a scale, never even had to ask if anyone was checking ground pressure. Everything was closed.

From that day forward, I weighed everything on a certified scale. I took nothing for granted. I’d given enough away without dragging another five tons of freight up the road on my nickel.

5. It’ll fit. Anyone who has ever hauled LTL knows where I’m going here. Yes, the capacity of the van is 3,400 cubic feet, but that doesn’t mean I can get 3,400 cubic feet of stuff in the wagon. I’ve got long pieces, fat pieces, squatty pieces, and a bunch of tall things with legs sticking out the bottom. The tall ones go up front, on top of the short, squat ones, and the rest can wedge in alongside. Three days later, I’m loaded — and so hopelessly overloaded on the drives I might as well sign over the deed to the house. And you just know Customs will want to check the serial numbers on the pieces under the stuff with the legs. Sure it’ll all fit — in somebody else’s trailer.

So, at the tender age of 44, I’ve learned some things the hard way, but that’s what wisdom is all about. Wisdom accrues with age, they say, but maybe that’s just a “myth-conception,” too. I’m still not smart enough to stay out of trouble.